Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
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Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
ill check the nooks. you get the crannies.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower