Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
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I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
When I face a minor setback
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
I bought some Prevagen to improve memory, focus, and concentration. Now, where did I put it… I just had it a minute ago… Anyway, what was I saying?
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Some good places you can stay for free:
In your own lane
Out of my business
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
Glasses
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?