Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
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*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*