Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
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When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Please don’t say you have wasted 365 days of 2024. You actually wasted 366 days. 2024 was a fucking leap year bro
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Turns out if you ask your neighbor who his favorite serial killer is he’ll stop trying to talk to you & I just wish I’d thought of this sooner.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.