Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
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This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
We’re possibly the most untrustworthy nation due to our inability to control our politeness.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
🤣could you imagine
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.