Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i sent you a message telepathically and you didn’t respond…are you mad at me?

[school of hard knocks]

TEACHER: you’re late

ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked

TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn

I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey

My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.

Um how about you continue to live here?

[kicks in your door to apologize to you]

Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.

I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.

Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.

Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.

Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it

I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen

Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.

Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.

A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.

They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.

January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday

Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.

My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.

Waking up has backfired on me so many times

a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”

I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.

13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go

[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]

Wife: what are you doing?

Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon

So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?

Des Moines Police having a normal one

“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”

– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores

*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?

Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it

Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor

At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.