Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#SCOTUS one-star review

My kid: I bet you had just black and white movies growing up
Me: excuse me, I am not that old
My kid: also did you have crayons or just greyons?

At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.

Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?

LOL

Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.

Siri: Lol

[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?

Teslas don’t have “New Car” smell…

They have an Elon Musk.

*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER

Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.

Cool shirt 🙂

“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”

“Different fathers?”

“Shark attack.”

when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me

The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook

You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.

Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?

My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler

Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work

Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way

The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”

I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware

Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.

Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?

My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?

I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.

I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”

…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.

u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question

[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay

Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.

the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions

I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!

I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.