Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.

Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]

According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…

Without the receipt, apparently.

They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.

Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.

The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy

Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”

Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders

Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.

You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.

Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot

Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance

Boss: It’s broken and does nothing

Me: shit

[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.

“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice

[Me getting cut off in traffic]

GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!

[Notices USMC sticker]

AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!

Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.

Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.

You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.

Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!

Him : Which one?

Me : I only have one face, Carl.

Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.

Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here

Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad

Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself

I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish

REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:

4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training

Nobody:

Absolutely nobody:

Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where

Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.

shit, they caught us—run!!!

My kids: ROAD TRIP!

My kids, ten minutes later:

me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that

me: in the song WE call “The Monster Mash” it references a party where The Monster Mash was played. Which means the REAL Monster Mash had to have existed before the song we’re hearing, but we have no idea what it is.

host of the halloween party: how did you set up a powerpoint?

Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol

*sees baby*

*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*

*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*

*sadness evaporates*