Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away

If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.

I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.

My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.

I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”

“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”

I’ve had 3 bagels in 5 days as long as I don’t eat another bagel for four more days

I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.

We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.

MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP

2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank

1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing

9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun

13: it’s only fun because she’s old

Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?

Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.

I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.

Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle. Yet, when I do it, it’s “disconcerting”?

The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.

*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*

Acme online: people who buy this also buy

– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil

In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:

1) Going on vacation

2) Taking my family

Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.

My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”

Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”

My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone

Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time

We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”

This is still funny.

HER: do you own any firearms

ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs

Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.

funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time

When I retire I’m going to run from office.

I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.

I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?

Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.