Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”

Ugh, stalkers are horrible.

You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.

STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves

How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

like u make the diseases or are against them ?

I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.

“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.

ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy

please don’t get up in the snake’s face to see if it’s more diamond or oval

just leave the danger noodle alone

sincerely,

a medical toxicologist

I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face

You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now

I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.

*invents time machine*

*has an opportunity to right a wrong*

*makes it wronger*

me: return of the mack.

cashier: receipt of the mack?

one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist

Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐

Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.

Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.

throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.

I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.

I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.

Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic

Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code

Cop: what

Me: what

The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.

I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.

(you can unfollow me at anytime)

my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas

Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”

[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah

When did white people become such fucking pussies?

Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”

Him:

Me:

Him:

Me: Roarrrr… get it?

Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship

It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.