Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.

[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg

Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.

Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?

Me: I already know. There can be only 1

Him: That’s Highlander

Me: Come back when you have swords

In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.

If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board

me: i have a doctorate in physics

flight attendant: this man is dying

me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same

“Remember Robert from work?”

Yeah..he was a douche.

“He died.”

WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!

if we get nuked while i’m at work i’m gonna be so mad

It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree

Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.

hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car

no one likes gloating

Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.

– repeat offenders

She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.

She starts the blender reluctantly.

In the distance, screams.

The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.

FOOD HACK: If you are at a restaurant tell the server “I would like two beers and fries” and they will bring you an order of fries and also two beers. This works at most restaurants.

Difference between GPT-4o and o1. 😁

*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me

I asked my kid what they actually do during a half day at school. He said “I don’t know, but we eat lunch early and there is less time for Nico to pee on the floor”

Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.

Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run

“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers

“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”

Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”

[dark alley]

DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*

ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?

My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:

I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.

The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed

I’ll be honest. I can’t solve your problems. What I can do is create new, bigger problems that will make your current problems seem quaint by comparison.

Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons

Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.