Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
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I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
My dad’s always complaining about the thermostat.
He’ll say to me, “Daniel, why did you get a tattoo of a Thermos?”
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.