Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
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One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad mom but then I think, at least I didn’t give away one of my kids because her dad was annoying and then completely pretend she didn’t exist for eleven years until she accidentally met her twin at summer camp.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Lmao
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”