Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
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My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
True statement👍😏😁
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
had to make it
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
“what’s it like having a sister?”
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.