Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
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I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
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My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
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My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
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My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
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My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
This coffee isn’t working… think I need holy water
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
new year update: losing everything but weight
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
Shower sex be like:
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
