Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia

“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds

I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…

I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

[aquarium]

*penguin strapped on my back*

Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?

No, it’s just a backpack.

Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!

um, fish

“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”

Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws

Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.

Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled

I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.

Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?

“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”

“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”

“That’s cool.”

Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.

All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.

Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.

Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.

Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.

I’d climb the deepest ocean for you.

50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun

50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST

WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt

Me when my alarm goes off

Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.

My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.

When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.

Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”

There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.

Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.

Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined

date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?

professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement

Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.

Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.

If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.