Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me

My grade school was so tough when we picked teams for dodgeball you had to be sure to get at least one kid with 1st aid training

Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.

Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers

Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one

me: how did he die?

him: he was attacked by a gang of geese

me: gaggle?

him: no I think it was a stabbing

[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body

[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood

[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.

Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.

A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.

Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?

Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.

Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?

Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.

Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity

Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.

[ after a spat ]

Me: Are you still mad at me?

Her: I guess not.

Me: [ reaching for her ]

Good!!!

Her:

My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something

Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.

me: the most exercise I get is from sex

friend: but you’re so out of shape

Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up

Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR

My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.

[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth

CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how

My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”

can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.

O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.

In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.

Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet

Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!

bird keeper: ok hear me out.

Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.

This could be us… but you playing

If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.