Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can understand why chickens wake up and scream

I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?

Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s

How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today

Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*

a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste

“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”

Me, starting a diet:

7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit

9am: one slice of cake instead of two

I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.

Meow

I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”

I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.

explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no

SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.

SON: Is it good news or bad news?

SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.

I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.

I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers

For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!

Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.

Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”

Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”

I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.

Her: Do you know any dog photographers?

Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to

Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.

I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.

Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee

Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?

Silicon valley: no.

Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!

Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*

Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!

I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective

Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.

Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr

In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.