Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
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WORST THINGS ABOUT NOT BEING A DENTIST
4. Nobody asks me for my opinion about teeth
3. No idea where to buy a denist’s chair if I ever need one
2. Am not treated as an equal in the dentist community
1. Constantly being overlooked for the prestigious Dentist of the Year Award
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
My child just threatened to never watch tv again and I can’t decide if he’s really bad or really good at threats.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.