Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
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WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
This is Cassie. She was chasing waves when they started chasing her back. Had to throw it in reverse real quick. 13/10
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
A duv-egg? In this economy?
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
The family panel on the back of my car is just me standing next to a hand, a lotion bottle, and a bunch of smiling tissues where the wife and kids should be.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.