Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
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I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
I’m not saying my 6yo is dramatic, I’m just saying we heard a severe thunderstorm warning on the car radio, and he groaned and said ugh why does my day keep getting worse
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor