Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.

The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence

Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream

Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…

Beaver 2: dam

Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.

Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.

birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here

*his phone rings*

Me: who is she?

Him: huh

Me: who is Potential Spam!?

The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower

sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight

after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen

If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now

Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.

I had a well check visit today & my doctor, in the middle of listening to my chest, asked me how the library was & if it was busy now that kids were back in school.

I don’t work at a library. I don’t know what he’s talking about.

I just rolled with it. The library is fiiiiiine.

70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.

I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”

What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?

My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.

Baby, it takes two to tango

But only one to tequila.

Friend: excited for your date?

Me: no I just found out what we do at the end

Friend: kiss?

Me: *thinking about tipping* math

A bear went into a bar.

“I’d like a whiskey…….

and coke.”

Bartender asks “why the long pause?”

Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.

Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles

The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.

me: hit me, daddy

poker dealer: don’t call me that

The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that

If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”

*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door

Me: I can never tell what girls want

Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.

Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?

The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.

I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567

asking my doctor to give me the Marilyn Manson rib removal surgery to make more room for the hotdog eating contest

The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.