Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
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Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.