please enjoy this masterpiece I spent way too long creating

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“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}

Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?

“No try again”
{Murder sounds}

Ring Around the Rosie?

“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}

(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?


(I begin to cry)


*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*

*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*


Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’

Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’


A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.


[dinner theater]

Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun

Waiter: *winks* table or booth

Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL


I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party


DAD: you need to look out for people

ME: yes we’re all in this together

[thump thump]

ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!

DAD: as I was saying


When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.


Saw a baby crying and gave it my electric bill cuz why should we both be sad?