Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”

Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.

For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar

I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?

I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.

I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.

Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.

CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.

Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).

thinking about the time i ran into my brother serendipitously on the streets of manhattan and he said hi and kept walking like we were in a hallway in our house

so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??

I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.

2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it

I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing

So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns

My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?

When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account

@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.

When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”

And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.

*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*

*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*

I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.

My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.

What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.

What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.

[limbo contest]

Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog

DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.

Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.

When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.

Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.

If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.

Ugliness is universal.

Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.

Me: Alexa, text my mother-in-law back

Alexa: Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now. Please try again later

Me: Perfect, send it

😂🥴

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50

Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.

An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.

I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”