Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice

Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?

Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.

Him: I land at 5 AM.

Me: I have no brother.

How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left

DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-

ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers

Thursday Thought.

Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down

Everyone thinks they’re a badass until seaweed brushes their leg.

Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]

Me: creative differences

Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!

Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”

Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?

Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!

Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here

I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.

This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.

I

T
H
I
N
K

W
E

S
H
O
U
L
D

R
U
I
N

P
E
O
P
L
E
S

T
I
M
E
L
I
N
E

B
Y

T
W
E
E
T
I
N
G

L
I
K
E

T
H
I
S

A
L
L

D
A
Y
.
.
.
.
.

I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.

If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.

[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me

Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?

FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.

Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.

Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.

Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.

“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly

So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.

They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.

Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry

Her: ok

Waiter: good evening

Me: good evening Barry

I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.

[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.

drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?

me: haha no thanks i need you to make it

Climax comes before effort, but only in a dictionary.

I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.

10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow

Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!

10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!