Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
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[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
do you think crabs are self-conscious about walking sideways everywhere or do they think everyone else has the problem
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
“Seize the day!”
No thank you. I will leave the day alone and hope it extends me the same courtesy.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?