Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”

I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.

[apocalypse]

Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly

Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world

Day 69: LOL 69

Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”

They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update

I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.

My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look

replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty

Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood

I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.

That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.

Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!

[first date]

Date: So what do you do for a living?

Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.

You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.

When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.

[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s

Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.

I’m afraid we’ve been misjudging everyone who surfs in a hurricane. They’ve got it right.

I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”

I told the family that I had to go into work for a few hours but I’m actually just sitting out in the shed eating a bag of Baconators in peace.

Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.

My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.

If looks could kill

My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.

When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.

i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul

“HingeX subscribers go on 3x more dates” cool so what is 0 times 3

Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework

Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?

Me:

Prof:

Me: it took him a couple bytes

Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!