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Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
reduce, reuse, recycle
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
Basketball games are very squeaky.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]