“Please enter the 6-digit code we have just sent to your device”
Well hold on there just a minute. Someone has just texted me
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they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Sex so good you see dead people.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
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“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
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[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.