Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”

“What’s that Sarge?”

“Someone’s building a pig.”

Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…

Spam popsicles.

*follow for more recipes

“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.

Cicadas will full on dominate a conversation and then leave you on read for 17 years.

My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.

Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English

Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”

Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”

I have eaten the
11 bags
of 5 organic
gummy bears
and blamed the child I was babysitting

forgive me

they were so smol
and so mush
and I couldn’t stop
and now the internet
knows all

A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus

Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.

Kid: I don’t like cheese

Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?

Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault

Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night

Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here

OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY

BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.

People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”

Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.

Woman delivering my pizza:

Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.

Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow

“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”

Me, reading some of your tweets

My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti

I threw some bird seed on my lawn earlier and now there are dozen of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow

I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.

I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.

a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch

Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.

I have never related to a cat more

I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.

One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.

[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]

GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK