Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
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In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
The most important thing to remember when driving is that not everyone is smart.
Person: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
Lunch and dinner: We’re standing right here!
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
When I was a kid I thought Original Sin meant that everyone had one weird sin they did in their life that no one else had done before and you had to work out what it was
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
Something in my kitchen is beeping quietly 3 times every minute. I can’t find it and it’s driving me crazy. My husband wouldn’t even hear it with his hearing aids in. I’ve never been more jealous of hearing loss.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.