Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you show up to a baby shower holding a sickle, nobody complains that you didn’t bring a gift.

My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school

Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.

“So basically, they’ll either be able to go back 10 seconds by tapping this one, or about an hour and a half by pressing this one and leaving it for over 0.3 of a second”

“Anything in between?”

“Nope”

[Standing ovation]

“Rewind” department meeting at streaming service HQ.

Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.

Me: I’ve hit rock bottom

The Rock: Harder

I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits

The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.

🤣🤣

We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.

I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.

Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.

I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.

If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.

I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.

Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you

He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach

Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?

You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.

*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear

When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.

Cell mate: What you are in for?

Me: foraging

Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?

Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?

I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.

Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers

Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.

Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.

Kid: *from the back seat* Daddy, when a snowflake gets made, how does one side know what the other side looks like?

Me: It’s because…holy shit

Kid: You just ran that stop sign

Me: Shut up give me a second

“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.

OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.

Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night