Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
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Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
so weird how every mom was born today
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
I can’t stop watching this.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit