Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GOD: *invents mouse* I like it

MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha

GOD: *invents cat*

A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.

In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.

Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites

good news everyone

Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.

Having a bad vocabulary is very bad

please may i have the balding salaryman post-it notes….he grows alarmingly more bald as you use them…ah..

son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters

Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….

Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU

Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.

IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK

PLS TELL EVERYONE

I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.

Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!

#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..

Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??

6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.

Blending in with the normals like:

Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant

The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?

Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger

Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.

I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”

I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.

My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.

All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant

Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.

guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”

My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am

ME: are those new shoes?

HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…

ME: *tearing up* yes?!?

HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how