Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today I walked out of the baseball complex carrying two Gatorades, a half-eaten snack, a 40oz Stanley and a 4yo, and the 4yo had the audacity to tell me to walk faster.

[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]

Who wants to be my Valentine?

Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk

*being born

my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT

When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.

Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.

“Je t’aime” = “I love you”

“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”

One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children

I’m afraid to be cremated and have the whole place smelling like honey BBQ and bacon

An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.

When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.

Okay

Stands at the gates of hell.

Waves to my mother in law.

Leaves.

I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.

It could be worse. Those could be the two guys running for president

Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.

no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct

My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play

I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.

Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted

The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.

There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires

“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”

*makes her laugh*

“Not you.”

My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.

My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton

Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:

Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%

Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.

Watching the news and they keep referring to the “late president Carter.” Let’s cut the guy some slack, how do you expect him to get anywhere on time? He’s dead!!

First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves

First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit

My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.

Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.

12yo: Download it from the app store

Me:

Husband:

12yo: