“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
You Might Also Like
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
ME: I really think I could win Survivor!
ME AFTER EXPERIENCING A SLIGHT BREEZE SANS JACKET: I will never go outside again.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
@Capt_Spanky’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.