“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
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Otters see a butterfly.
Pig Latin is the most delicious of the dead languages
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: could I buy a noun
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
how to market bottled water to dads
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”