“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
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Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
My daughter sat beside me on the bed with a granola bar, so I’m gonna get back at her by eating powdered donuts in hers.
#NoRestForTheWicked
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!