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A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
new career option?
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
My mom was a little overprotective. She made me wear a helmet every time I rode my bike. It was an exercise bike and I was 19, but hey, her house, her rules.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not having a midlife crisis you’re just awake.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.