Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.

just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake

Jeff: i’m pro gun.

Me: i’m anti gun.

Greg: i’m vegan.

Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.

a test & 10-day waiting period before you can use an apostrophe

Me: I’ve got distressed genes.

Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.

M: Have you met my family?

My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.

Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.

you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor

Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.

M: *sweating*

Some Guy: You look hot.

M: *sweaty blushing* thank you

‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.

[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*

Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.

Friend: It was yesterday.

I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story

No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.

*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”

I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.

Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap

bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies

[ouija board]

Who are you?

*board begins spelling*

G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O

What the — a Luigi Board?!

W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E

i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft

My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*

Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.

people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.

alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?

alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death

alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible

Me: you married?

Him: separated

Me: your wife know about that?

Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.

[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”

I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.

The odds were against me.

I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”