Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
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The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
What number SPF blocks people?
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle