please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
You Might Also Like
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
If my 56 y/o brain was in my 16 y/o body, my first order of business would be empowering myself. Then … fake ID.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS