please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
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Working at any office is like “Ok we’re transitioning to Salarya, but payroll is still in Bullfrog—did you see my Noosecock post? Submit your timecard on Fireplayce then jizz me on Smackdog . Do NOT upload to Crackerz without Yammer approval
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
the ultimate problem with the coyote’s approach is that he gives up on each method after a single failed attempt. some of the greatest achievements take many, many tries to succeed. the acme company makes fine, reliable products. the coyote must learn the virtue of persistence
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
you aren’t “dehydrated”, you have attachment issues and you were denied water as a child
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never