Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.

I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.

Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension

My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?

*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what

oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman

God: you’re a garter snake.

Garter Snake: I’m a snek?

God: no you’re a snake.

Garter Snake: I’m a snek!

God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.

Garter Snake:

God:

Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?

I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.

The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,

I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.

How are you?

“Yeah, not bad” <– normal person

“Yeah, pretty good actually” <– show off

Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?

gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes

My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.

I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.

girls will be like “i have so much to do” then grabs some snacks and starts watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.

if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle

Where is your GOD now????

Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”

This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.

Must be doing something wrong.

*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*

[cries for 20 minutes]

Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.

I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…

I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.

Asks AI, “I nicked my leg shaving.”

AI results, “Remove leg”

If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.

Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.

me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES

If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted

Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.

Husband:

*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*

Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.

“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it