please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
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Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
I miss this era type of pranks😭
[First Date]
Him: So many choices Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure
Him to waiter: BLT, please
Me: I’ll have the same
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Are we still doing “hot girl summer”, cause I’m really trying to make “raccoon girl summer” happen
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun