Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can handle anything that comes my way except for when I’m hungry or sleepy or stressed or have a stuffy nose

My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes

If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?

I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.

Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.

I still like to cuddle though.

HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!

I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.

Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.

• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.

I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.

Therapist: Where do you see this going?

Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.

I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”

I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids

11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.

Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.

People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old

Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?

rolls sleeve
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-Octopus preparing for a fight

[poorly lit restaurant]

me: I can’t see the menu

wife: just ask the waiter to bring some candles

me: no I want food

Daughter: *calling up the steps

Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.

Me: *appears wearing just a toga

All set.

*During sex*

Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.

Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition

I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?

~ kid logic

Blacksmith *shoes a horse*

Swordsmith *forges a blade*

Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*

had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next

Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?

Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]

Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest

It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.

I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.

doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week

me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one

I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services