Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
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Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Triceratops seeks Tricerabottom
-Jurassic period Grindr
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
8: but grandma let me
Me: well my mom is cooler than yours
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.