Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.

Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with

Anyone: hey girl

Me: 😠

Anyone: excuse me ma’am

Me: 😡

Anyone: yo mister

Me: 😡😡😡

The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.

Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.

Me: we’re going out tonight okay?

Toddler: yeah.

Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.

Toddler: yeah.

Me: start a revolution.

Toddler: yeah!

Me: Then we’ll go to bed.

Toddler: no.

If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.

ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS

PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die

I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.

We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.

Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime

John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more

My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.

what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonka

what scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka

Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!

as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?

Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.

I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips

my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters

first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president

Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.

My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix

Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.

*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*

How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.

i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end

Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.

I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.

I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.

The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.

Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.

My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.

I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in