Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.

The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night

Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.

I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.

I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.

If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!

Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.

5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?

Me: It does now.

Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer

911: omg

Me: omg

911: “an” murderer haha

Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it

Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.

I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa

I’m sorry but every time I see the words “Lord Pickles” I think they’re talking about a very fancy cat.

Me: What did you learn about at school?

10-year-old: States.

Me: What did you learn about them?

10: That there’s too many.

Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.

“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1

FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”

I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.

For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater

Him: *gets the handcuffs out*

Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*

Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?

Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.

The nurse said she needed some urine to test for potassium. “K,” I said. Silence. “I bet everyone makes that joke,” I say. She’s like “In 15 years of nursing not one person has made that joke”

Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.

me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something

Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.

When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?

…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda

Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.

Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.

Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.

I warned you I would betray you over potatoes, this is on you.

This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.

People who carry their dogs around,

You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs