“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
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I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Worst perfume name ever.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
Me: Would you still love me if I was a slice of cheese
Girlfriend: Yes probably more
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch