“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
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Dentist appointments are so weird. “Hi nice to meet you could you root around in my mouth for a bit?”
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Ya’ll i really thought @iamcardib wore a swim/bathing suit only to realize it’s the bald headed man 🥴
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
our neighborhoods continue to teem with violent migrant street gangs
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT