Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.

Try a grape in the produce section and it’s ok but try a leg of rotisserie chicken and you get escorted out of the store

Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!

Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it

My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life

Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids

Me: are you or are you not my people?

My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.

If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.

Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives

We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.

spider: sup

me: omg stay away

spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider

me: there’s good spiders?

spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you

If Olive Garden wanted to give me an authentic Italian meal that reminds me of my mother’s cooking, someone should come out from the kitchen and hit me with a wooden spoon

Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.

Explain yourselves.

If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.

do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch

Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?

No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.

Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime

My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.

My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.

there are 2 types of people:

– those who love deviled eggs

– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”

[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]

*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*

yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna

2017 – Wizard of Oz

[opening credits]

Dorothy: *opens weather app*

[end credits]

Lassie, get help!

Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.

I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.

I mean, why knot?

#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes

My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock

Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search

I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.

“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.