Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
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JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Dr: (knocks on door before coming in the room)
Me: Pooping
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind