Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok

My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.

“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach

[first episode of tv show]

Guy: Hi

Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years

Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.

Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles

ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once

GIRL: holy cow how did you survive

ME: I fell off the bottom rung

Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.

do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there

In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s

I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news

Me: Raising a family is hard.

Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.

Me: What?

Necromancer: What?

Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.

I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.

No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.

Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”

Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee

Remember in the early days of the internet, when you’d go on chat rooms and it was just a scrolling screen of strangers yelling random things? It’s amazing how much has changed since then

In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate

honestly, i need both:

Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne

I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon

Me: dance like no one’s watching!

Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!

Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”

“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*

I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.

If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go

If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.

my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎