Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that

[the day after I meet a genie]

boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today

me: *loudly* oh wow so weird

If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.

Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.

Me: Will it make my dinner?

D: No but-

M: Good talk.

Did it hurt, when my ice cream outlasted yours?

They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”

Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.

I like waiters.

They bring a lot to the table.

You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.

“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness

At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.

Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”

Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”

I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.

I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.

NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.

Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.

If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe

If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.

Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.

The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”

Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…

Don’t throw away old pyjamas. Collect as many pairs as you can, and in the middle of the night spread them out on Russell Brand’s front lawn so that when he wakes up he’ll think he’s missed the Rapture.

Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.

*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*

This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?

When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?

Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.

I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs

Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.

The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .

Me: [puts dog food into dish]

My dog: eh I’m not hungry

[1 minute later]

Me: [opens package of cheese]

My dog: oh great I’m STARVING