Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”

Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.

“Why am I so thirsty?”

*Flashback to me eating half a ham*

“Oh, right”

WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?

This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.

Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.

They won’t ask again.

If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?

Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”

My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.

me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son

wife: of course not, where is he

me: I just told you

“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”

If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union

If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”

It means take a nap.

God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?

Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.

Me: Hi guys!

Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!

Stealing hoodies is for amateurs. Steal his car like a real woman.

[Command Center]

*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*

Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?

hey i noticed you’re not saying what i want

My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home

Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.

Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.

I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up

I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi

It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.

ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence

At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?

Wife: Where are you going?

Me: You can find me in da club shawty

Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?

Me: Yes

Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet

Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that

I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.

Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.

Parents in the 80s:
Bye.