Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”

Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”

WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here

[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down

I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.

“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels

I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.

[sound of can opening]

wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?

me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday

wife: but we’re still at church

humans only use 10% of their treadmills

Favourite diary entry ever

When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.

News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.

But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.

Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”

the hypocrisy of humans judging a cat for hunting a bird like they’re not ordering chicken nuggets with zero remorse

[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.

Package delivery vans should play music when they’re driving through a neighborhood like ice cream trucks do

Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus

(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)

Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep

ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]

WIFE: What are you training for?

ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking

When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.

I repeat, don’t do it.

Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.

Storm Tropical Storm

if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry

Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?

Hey, fellas

Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?

Me: …hiss like a cat?

Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!

Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?

My dad.

Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?

Me *nervous*: children

[reading dinosaur book]

8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl

ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus

8: how did you ever get laid?

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?

I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.