Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
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me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said βand we can bring our cats!β and she gets deadly serious and goes βthey wonβt let them in. what with allergies and allβ
This checks out
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
plant them where lol
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think weβre bringing our own geese?
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Breaking news:
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
Groundhog Day
1993 β§ Comedy/Romance β§ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 β§ Horror β§ 10,272days
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then Iβll get the thesaurus
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
βHe has no self control!β I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler