Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
You Might Also Like
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.