Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
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I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
*mops up wine with cat*
My husband just said “I love hearing you laugh” so I asked “oh, do you think my laugh is cute?” and he said “no, it just makes me happy when you’re happy 😊” and I genuinely don’t know how to feel about this answer.
I bought some Prevagen to improve memory, focus, and concentration. Now, where did I put it… I just had it a minute ago… Anyway, what was I saying?
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
no one likes gloating
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.