Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Limited budget
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
