please help me find just 1 of my 5,000 lighters
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One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
Don’t fall for the ‘Deep-fry your money in batter’ investment scam – that’s how I frittered away all my savings.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
A rib broke out of the trash bag last night and stabbed me in the shin as I was taking out the trash. I know my vegetarian followers will approve. 🙂
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
Can’t. Being lazy.