Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands

So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?

Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car

we’re gonna need another temp

Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.

” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.

Said no one ever.

(making small talk with a couple) so have you guys ever cheated on each other?

Not with that attitude

Please be the blood from a horse’s head

Please be the blood from a horse’s head

Please be the blo…

Nope, just peed the bed again

When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?

[at a party]

Host: may I take your coat?

Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes

God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years

📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty

Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.

Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.

A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing

Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?

I hope 100 years from now people will read my tweets and think ‘Wow, she was unwell’

Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.

Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.

Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.

Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm

Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*

You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.

Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks

Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?

No?

‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]

[being murdered]

me: hey are u Scottish

murderer: actually i am

me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.

I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.

I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.

My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.

got so much cardio in today