Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.

Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”

Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”

Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep

Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.

I love seeing cute puppy and dog videos where they’re loving getting pampered and groomed…I’ve personally never experienced a cool dog like that.

Mine always act like I’m about to sacrifice them to the gods.

[on the 7th day]

dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?

god: yeah totally harmless little dude

dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?

god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy

I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.

Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX

Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.

I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.

My Wife wasn’t.

She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.

Odd, we don’t own a dog.

Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell

Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.

[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases

Me: i want a ferraro

Friend: ferrari?

Me: no just one

If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.

Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.

Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant

Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide

ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type

How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?

I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.

I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.

windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol

I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.

[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon

News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.

Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*

[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..

ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help

DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV

ROMAN: What?!

DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?

ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?

Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.