please help me find just 1 of my 5,000 lighters
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Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
I need to buy new window blinds, but I hate dealing with shady salespeople.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
My 9yo misses having a dog so I took her to the dog park. A dog owner came up to me to chat and asked “which one’s yours?”
I pointed to my daughter.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
#winning
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.