Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.

I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.

Thanks for the swallow!

-bird collectors (you perv!!!)

My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.

Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around

I asked why there was a scale at the estate lawyer’s office. She explained, “Where there’s a will there’s a weigh.”

Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*

My gynecologist: can you not?

Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.

Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.

Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people

I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.

If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.

I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.

Sorry I said your cat was ugly.

Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.

Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.

I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.

Manager: Is there any training you’d like to attend this year?

Me: Could I attend “Advanced Tolerating Simpletons”?

Manager:

Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house

My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.

Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured

All I’m saying is, maybe the designers of this statue could have worked a little harder to find an inspiring Rod Serling quote.

me: a weirdo broke into my house

cop: are you positive it was a weirdo

me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me

I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.

Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?

Gang member: *cocks gun*

Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.

imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.

[plot twist] ur buried vertically

my one true gender

Couldn’t look worse today.

Time to run into an ex…

Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles