Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
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My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
Beauty and the Beast
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
sir, my pâté if you please
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar