Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”

producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.

You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is

I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.

Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN

There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.

Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.

Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?

~me losing the war against gnats

after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.

Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service

Batman: Your carrier sucks

Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?

Batman: Bat Mobile

It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.

I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.

Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.

I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.

*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*

DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.

“NO SHIT!”

~Urinals

ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them

COP: yes but please don’t cup my face

my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting

[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]

God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?

“I’ve invented the toaster”

SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?

“2”

SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8

Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?

Mugshot photographer: No

I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.

me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]

fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO

Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.

Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?

Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.

[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.

Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.

ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned

VET: This is a dog

I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..

H- you’d better get to a doctor

Me: It hasn’t even been a full day

H: what? It’s been two days

Me: how do you figure?

H: today and yesterday

Me: