Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you

“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.

This checks out

i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory

My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram

[touring beyonce’s house]

me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it

Wife: omg it’s happening

Me: what is?

*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*

Wife: the baby is coming

Me: what?!

Wife: the baby is coming right now

Me: you’re not pregnant!

*door creaks open*

Wife: run

This is the dumbest apocalypse ever

Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.

I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“

I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy

tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure

Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst

[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.

Chappell Roan sounds like a place they have to defend in Lord of the Rings.

You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.

[breaking up yet another fight]

Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?

6-year-old: Because I always win.

Werewolves of Paris.
ADIEUUUUUUUUUU!

Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone

“What do you mean a baguette isn’t a female bag?”

Who needs an Air Fryer?

I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.

CONDUCTOR: all aboard!

ME: i’m pretty bored

CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train

ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too

My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot

Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday

me: WHEN IS THAT

watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified

HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?

SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep

I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.

FRED: right

I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.