Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!

[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan

Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.

Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.

4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?

My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect

car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped

ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person

Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.

Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.

Mushroom: what the heck am I?

God: you’re a mushroom

Mushroom: is-is that good?

God: yes, you have a very important job to do

Mushroom: like what?

God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know

Oooh. This looks like a fun and sensible web service on which to interact with folks of diverse points of view.

– Me, terrible with first impressions

*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it

A Lunch Poem:

Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).

Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.

Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.

[at a party]

Host: may I take your coat?

Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes

accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times

“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts

I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.

It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020

me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do

my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me

*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.

Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.

How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?

– my 8yo while doing one chore

According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.

Answers phone, makes modem noises…

god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up

Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.

Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.

[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then

Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.

Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.

Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.

Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…