Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!

Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*

Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.

*kicks the door in*

PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR

I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want

If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.

You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.

[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.

my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this

Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…

Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.

The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.

This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.

*walks into a nuclear power plant

Do you serve fission chips?

I’ll see myself out..

I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.

“Amanda Seyfried (left)”

Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.

the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person

I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.

“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.

I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids

Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!

Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.

Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.

My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”

There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.

If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.

On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.

me: eat this food

baby: never

me: the food is now an airplane

baby: “never” was a strong word

barber: your hair is so dry

pavlov: i forgot to condition it

Your 20s are for fucking up & figuring yourself out. Except for me, who should have had every single minute detail of my future plans set in stone the second I stopped being a teenager.

What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?

I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.