@TrondyNewman

Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.

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@TheCiscoKidder

Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.

@Pat_Bren

Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either pronounced Shaun Baun or Seen Bean. You can’t have it both ways.

@jonnysun

ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant

@just1fool

I’m excited for the zombie apocalypse so I can trap famous dead celebrities and make the best Broadway show ever assembled.

@ItsMeAshleyWee

If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.

@Brampersandon_

FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same

@lloydrang

Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.

@murrman5

[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone

@TheAndrewNadeau

BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*

EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.