the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
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STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
[high school reunion]
girl i had a major crush on: so what have you been up to?
me: oh you know just the usual astronaut stuff
girl: oh i–
me: hang on i need to take this *holding phone upside down* hi nasa. yes yes the moon. and planets, yes. not pluto tho haha. k luv u bye
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Slowly, Waldo’s wife and Mr. Sandiego started putting the pieces together
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Only attractive people that get laid all the time troll people on the internet. Everybody knows that.
Ben Carson’s book includes a story about single-handedly halting a bear attack during a school camping trip