@TrondyNewman

Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.

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@IamEnidColeslaw

the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE

@T_Bonezzz

STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET

1) PUT SHEET ON BED

2) FOLD BED

@jazz_inmypants

[high school reunion]

girl i had a major crush on: so what have you been up to?

me: oh you know just the usual astronaut stuff

girl: oh i–

me: hang on i need to take this *holding phone upside down* hi nasa. yes yes the moon. and planets, yes. not pluto tho haha. k luv u bye

@laurenreeves

“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”

@Marlebean

NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??

We’re having leftover pizza.

@TheCiscoKidder

My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.

@donni

Slowly, Waldo’s wife and Mr. Sandiego started putting the pieces together

@LizHackett

You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.

@TheMichaelRock

Only attractive people that get laid all the time troll people on the internet. Everybody knows that.

@crushingbort

Ben Carson’s book includes a story about single-handedly halting a bear attack during a school camping trip