Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
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Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either pronounced Shaun Baun or Seen Bean. You can’t have it both ways.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
I’m excited for the zombie apocalypse so I can trap famous dead celebrities and make the best Broadway show ever assembled.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.