Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
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My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
dude it’s called proctologist
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
ok hear me out: Luigiana
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.