Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
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“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
New PR on the treadmill today…I was able to hang 5 shirts and 3 pairs of pants
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
Just a reminder, folks:
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop