Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
It just seems like one would see a lot more data while flying through the clouds.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
