Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
went fishing caught a bass
Speechwriter: I have your speech ready, sir. “87 years ago—“
Lincoln: Whoa whoa whoa hang on…
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
We found love in a hopeless place.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
